“Lizzy, as you are not yet one and twenty, you are subject to my authority. I order you to accept Mr Collins’s proposal of marriage. I can then live out my days in the knowledge that Longbourn will remain your home, and that of your mother and sisters.” 

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“How could you, Papa!”

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You fix Elizabeth with one of your special stares, so that she immediately falls into a trance; only then are you able to marry her off to the most ridiculous man in England and secure your estate. Watching her wed the creature who is destined to inherit Longbourn is the ultimate Bad Heir Day. 

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There are, however, compensations. You must visit the happy couple regularly in order to keep Lizzy in this submissive state, and you find these visits vastly entertaining - especially whenever you are granted an audience with Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Moreover, your wife is eternally grateful and agrees to alternate her visits to Hunsford with yours, so that long periods of your indolent life are entirely free of shrieking.

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